How to Have an Excellent First Five Minutes of a Small Group Meeting

You may have read various studies or reports which find that people often make their first impressions of other people within the first 7 seconds to two minutes.  A whole industry has risen up around that concept coaching people how to do "power poses" and "strategic small talk".  All that is well and good if you want to "win friends and influence people" in the business world.

However, there may also be some wisdom in making the best of "the first few minutes" in the realm of small group ministry.  Most small groups are gatherings of people who do not know each other well yet.  Helping people to feel welcome, comfortable and relaxed is a huge goal of small group ministry.  Therefore, it's good to ask "What can we learn from those who have done some thinking about first impressions and strategic use of the first few minutes of a gathering?"  I've done some reading and reflection on just that topic!

The First Five Minutes of Arriving at a Gathering

1.     People need to feel welcome from the moment that they walk in the door.  Being greeted by a host (whether that person lives at the place where you are gathering or is just playing a host role) can be the first step in helping a person to feel at ease in coming to a group meeting.  If I am hosting a small group, I make sure that I am completely finished with any house prep and I avoid getting into any other conversations so that I am free to welcome people at the door.  The host should not be getting people drinks at this point.  You (or some other designated greeter) should be free to focus on welcoming people to the gathering.
       Being welcomed by an actual person who greets you with your name and says something along the lines of "So glad you could make it!" can make a world of difference to a person who might be feeling some nervousness about coming to an event.  If you are a hugger, then hug.  If you are a hand shaker, then shake the person's hand.  Whatever your style, I find that a smile and moment of eye contact are absolutely essential.

2.    Give new people something to do when they arrive.  It's often better to set out drinks or snacks for people to get themselves rather than to have the hosts disappear to the kitchen to get drinks for them, leaving them with nothing to do.  If you are having name tags, that can be a nice thing for people to give themselves to in those first awkward two minutes.  If chatting with people is the thing to do, then make a few quick introductions and make sure that there are people available to chat,  Some people will be served by being invited to help with something practical, like finishing setting up or arranging chairs.

3.     Try to start relatively on time.  It's the leader's job to be aware of the time so that participants don't have to.  Even if everyone is not there, you should honor people's time by getting started right around when you said that you would.  If you have social time built into your time, people should know that and come expecting that.


The First Five Minutes of the Actual Meeting

1.     If people are chatting before your meeting starts, give people a 1-2 minute warning before you actually start.  It will help people to wrap up their conversations and mentally prepare for gathering together as a group.

2.       If you are leading the meeting, once the group is gathered, take a second to look around the room and appreciate who is there before you start talking.  Remind yourself that the meeting is about the people who God has brought more than it is about the things that you want to talk about.  Having an attitude of gratitude for the people in the room will be reflected in your tone as you lead the group.

3.      Any group that does not know each other really well benefits from a brief round of introductions and an ice breaker.  Do not leave the ice breaker activity or question to the last minute.  Ice breakers actually matter a lot.  Think about the balance between light-heartedness and intimacy that you want as people introduce themselves and answer the ice-breaker question.  There is a difference between "What is your favorite ice cream?" and "Who was your hero growing up?" in terms of self-revelation and actually getting to know people.  It takes some thought to not go too inappropriately deep during introductions but also not be wasting everyone's time with random bits of information that don't help to build community.

4.     I find that a quick prayer helps to settle everyone and to make people more aware of God's presence.  It's okay to have a moment of quiet before the prayer.  Center yourself so that you are not just "speaking out a prayer of transition" but actually taking some time to talk to God and tell Him what you are wanting from Him.

I hope this has been helpful.  Please let me know if you have other ideas about how to have a great start to your small group meeting.

How to Host a Small Group at Your Home

I love having small groups gather in my home.  In addition to forcing me to tidy up my house, we get to experience, close up, a kingdom value which is high on my list-- living life together.  One of the benefits of our church not having a building is that we are forced to go to one another's homes, which weaves us together in a deeper, more organic way than just meeting in a more neutral, less personal venue.

However, hosting small groups in one's home is not without costs and an excellent small group experience at a home necessitates some thoughtfulness and wisdom.  I thought it might be helpful to share a few tips and perspectives that I've gathered from people over the years on how to do a good job hosting a gathering in your home.

Before the meeting:

1.     On cleaning up your house:  It's natural for you to want to welcome your guests into a nice looking setting and, in general, clutter is not restful.  However, please keep in mind that you don't have to be Martha Stewart.  Vaccuum and put out chips if you want to but you should know that what people really want is simply a place to gather and focus on God and each other.  If they can do that, the rest is gravy.

2.    Consider the physical temperature.  One practical thing that you will want to think about is whether your gathering space will be too hot or too cold.  Remember that your house will be filled with people, and the collective body heat will raise the thermometer within 20 minutes of the meeting's starting time.

3.     Consider the spiritual temperature. Take a few minutes before people show up to sit down and get a sense of how you are doing as a host.  Frazzled?  Anxious?  Give those things to Jesus.  If you are having tension with your co-hosts (housemates, kids, spouse?), take a minute to express love, appreciation and a desire to reconcile or reconnect later.  Make sure that you take some time to pray that the Holy Spirit would fill the space of your home.

During the gathering:

4.     One of the most important things that you can do is to make sure that each person is welcomed warmly and personally as they walk through your door.  This might mean a hug or a handshake or a "so glad that you came!"  Studies show that the first 7 seconds that a person is in a new place or meets a new person makes a tremendous impact on their overall sense of comfortability in the long term.  Sharing a smile and making eye contact with each person who walks through your door is very important to helping someone to feel like they are wanted and welcome at a gathering.

5.     Let people help out.  There are usually a lot of dishes and moving of furniture etc. You will be a much better member of your group if you are not the only one taking care of the practical things around your house.  It's easy to wave people off at first and let them just chat while you do all of the clean up but this is neither healthy for a group nor is it very sustainable long term.  Group participants will take their cues from you regarding whether it's ok for them to help out with things that need to be done.  I find that it's helpful to create a culture of everyone pitching in from early on.  Don't just depend on people asking to pitch in, invite them to do so.  Show people where the paper plates are, how to take the trash out and how you like your dishes done.  You will not regret this!


After the gathering:

6.     If people are having a good time and staying past your bedtime, feel free to gently but directly tell them that you need to head toward bed and that you look forward to seeing them again soon.  People are much more served by direct communication when it comes to these boundaries rather than indirect irritation.

7.     If you are hosting the group on a regular basis, ask a trusted group member for any feedback on your hosting style.  Do your pets smell?  Are your kids distractingly loud?  Are you too much like Martha and not enough like Mary?  If you give people permission to give you feedback, you are more likely to get an honest answer and you are more likely to be a good, happy host.

8.     Take some time to ask yourself how it's going hosting.  What do you enjoy and what is burdensome to you?  Are there ways that you need to ask others to help out more?  Are there systems that need to be recreated so that it works better for you?  For example, someone who hosted a small group in her home each week realized that she really enjoyed hosting but it would help if the group met at someone else's place once a month so she could have a break.  You don't have to keep doing something just because it was set up this way.  Ask yourself and ask God how you can be thoughtful and creative about hospitality so that it continues to be a joy to serve.

Do you have any other thoughts that you would add?  Please feel free to comment.